Tuesday, December 6, 2011

The Baseball Blog: 2011 Horse Collar Awards Part VII (BDOY Awards and 53 Things)

The Thom Brennaman Award

Major League Baseball Biggest Douche of the Year


The Nominees


Automatic Annual Nominees

Thom Brennaman (Play-by-Play Announcer of Untimed All-Douche Soccer Game in Hell/Captain of the All-Douche Team/President of the Nepotistic Society of Douches/Lord of North Douchia/King of West and South Douchia/Emperor of the Greater Douchery Area/And Endless Other Titles Relating to Him Being the Supreme Master of All Things Douchy)

Bud Selig (MLB Commissioner/Liar/Douche)

Scott Boras (Agent/Sleaze/Manipulator/Plague)

Joe West (Bad Umpire/Country Western Musician/Old and Stubborn/Loudmouth/Fat Ass)

Milton Bradley (Former Player/Nut Case/All-Time Standard Setter for MLB Player Douchery)

Nyjer Morgan (CF-Milwaukee/Nut Case/Current Standard Setter for MLB Player Douchery)

Josh Beckett (SP-Boston/Poster Child of Spoiled, White, American Baseball Player Douchedom)


Current Player Nominees

John Lackey (SP-Boston) Nominated because he sucks in all areas. He was one of the worst pitchers in all of baseball this season, yet he continued to act like an arrogant asshole on and off the mound. When on the mound, Lackey has zero control over his emotions and is more demonstrative than Chong-Li in Blood Sport. He shows up at least one teammate every start, making it obvious to everyone watching in person or on TV that his teammate should have made that play.

Lackey is divorcing his wife, who is currently battling cancer. During the final days of the Red Sox collapse the team got a hard fought win that momentarily took some pressure off and might have gotten them going back in the right direction. However, Lackey decided to go on a tirade in the clubhouse, berating the media about a text message (regarding topics that he felt were personal) he had received prior to the game, which he almost certainly knew had not come from a member of the media. It killed the good mood following the win and increased the pressure.

Following the season Lackey opted to have Tommy John surgery and he will miss 2012. The universal reaction from the baseball world was, “wow, what a break for Boston.” Never seen anything like that sort of reaction to a player suffering a serious injury before in all my years of following sports.

Josh Hamilton (LF-Texas) Nominated for throwing 3rd base coach Dave Anderson under the bus when a home plate collision left him with a fractured shoulder. Hamilton called it a “stupid play” and insisted that the whole time he was thinking, “Dude, I don’t want to do this” but that he listened to his coach.

Also nominated for blaming his problems in day games on a unique eye condition; for talking a lot about his injuries; and for saying that “God” told him he was going to hit a homer in the 10th inning of game 6 of the World Series, but that “God” hadn’t told him that they would still end up losing the game.

And for getting a pass for all of this just because the media likes the “comeback” story of Hamilton and isn’t done using it yet.

Hamilton was the #1 overall pick in the 1999 draft (taken by the Rays), wrecked his career through drug use, and fell out of the game. But he defied great odds, coming all the way back to not only make it to the Majors (in 2007 with Cincinnati) but eventually achieve greatness (All-Star in 2008 and MVP in 2010 with Texas). Hamilton now needs to remember where he came from and try and gain back some of the humility he had when he was first back in the big leagues with Cincinnati just a few years ago. At the moment, that attitude seems to have completely disappeared.

Manny Ramirez (LF-Tampa Bay) Nominated for once again being unable to conceal his PED use and for being banned, thus essentially ending his career.

Jorge Posada (C-New York Yankees) Nominated for refusing to play on May 15th when he learned that he would be batting 9th in the order. Posada—making $13.1 million as a part time DH---was hitting .165 at the time and was 0 for 24 on the year against left handed pitchers. When the Yankees explained to the media why Posada was taken out of the lineup, Posada’s wife posted on Facebook that he had a bad back, and this was the story Jorgy stuck with after the game. After the season Posada said there was no way he would play for the Yanks—the only team he has ever known—in 2012.

Derek Jeter (SS-New York Yankees) Nominated for blowing off the All-Star Game and then issuing a statement professing to be totally dumbfounded by the negative reaction of the fans and the media.

Derek Holland (SP-Texas) Nominated (for starters) for the idiotic mustache, which turns what would otherwise be a nice smile into a hideous grin. But he’s on the list chiefly for impersonating Will Ferrell’s impersonation of Harry Caray during Fox’s broadcast of game 5 of the World Series. Holland did mock play-by-play of the action during the 3rd inning when CJ Wilson—his teammate—was on the mound and trying to get out of jam. This wasn’t exactly a light moment: series tied 2-2, the Cards already up 2-0 with Chris Carpenter on the mound, runners at the corners and 1 out, Matt Holliday up with a 3-2 count, 8 pitches into the at bat. Not to mention the fact that, unlike Holland, Wilson had struggled mightily throughout the postseason.

Joe Buck gave Holland a chance and he took it and ran like a muther fucker. Buck seemed to be loving it but it wasn’t that funny and it was really awkward. Worst of all, it very easily could have been much, much worse. Luckily, Holliday hit into a DP, but one got the strong impression that Holland would have carried on with his play-by-play even if Holliday had jacked a 3-run bomb to put the Rangers down 5-0 in game 5. Holland even sent the coverage to the break with another stolen bit of comedy, this time ripping off Conan O’Brien’s impersonation of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Prince Fielder (1B-Milwaukee) Nominated for being spoiled and trying to act like a hard ass all of the time; for being one of the main contributors to the horribly annoying “Beast Mode” shenanigans; and also for stating several times in an interview with TBS during mid-September that this was probably his last year with the Brewers.

First off, whether it’s reality or not, there’s no reason to be that candid. It showed a lack of care for the fans. Beyond that, if he won’t even think about trying to work out a deal with the Brewers to stay with the only team he’s ever played for and stay with that core group, then he’s even less cool than I thought.

Francisco Rodriguez (RP-Milwaukee) Nominated for being a major douche in general. Chiefly nominated for complaining to a CBS Sports reporter in mid-September that he was “not happy” with his role and not getting any save opportunities with the Brewers. The next day when local beat reporters asked “K-Rod” about the report he stood by and reiterated his comments.

Keep in mind that at this point John Axford was 14 for 14 in save tries since K-Rod had joined the team during the All-Star Break. Also keep in mind that K-Rod got paid $12.1 million for his troubles last season. Finally, keep in mind that K-Rod knew that the Brewers wouldn’t pick up his outrageous option for 2012 and he would therefore be a free agent after the season. The only reason to be complaining about “save chances” is money. This is because saves are what GM’s and owners pay money for, not other more important metrics.

So K-Rod was essentially whining about not being able to put up personal stats that would net him another huge contract from a team other than the Brewers next year that he would never in a million years come close to being worth.

Jose Reyes (SS-New York Mets) Nominated (again) for being a major douche in general. Also nominated for being about as tough as Snuggle the Downy Softener bear. Most chiefly nominated for bunting and then asking out of the final game of the season in an attempt to maintain his lead for the NL batting title.

There’s nothing at all wrong with bunting for a hit, except for the idea that he clearly wasn’t at all concerned with doing anything but getting a hit of any kind, regardless of how it might help the team. He then asked out of the game on his own (read: took himself out of the game); nobody came to him and asked him. Reyes’ actions contrast with the story of Ted Williams playing both games of a season ending double header despite entering the day hitting over .400 with enough plate appearances to qualify.

Reyes’ actions were roundly condemned by fans of course but more damning was the criticism aimed at him by his peers, many of whom called it selfish and bush league. This is a case where the overused term “bush league” was used correctly. As we shall see, this is not always the case.

Justin Verlander (SP-Detroit) Nominated for fuming over Erik Aybar’s decision to put his own team’s chances of winning ahead of Verlander’s feelings.

On July 31st, the Angels trailed the Rangers by 2 games in the AL West, and they found themselves trailing the Tigers and the dominant Verlander 3-0, without a hit in the game going to the top of the 8th. Aybar—whose game is speed and line drives—came to the plate leading off the inning and dropped down a bunt. Verlander fielded the ball and fired wide of 1st. Aybar reached 2nd on the play but Verlander got a break when the official scorer generously ruled it an error. A few batters later Maicer Iztruris lined the first hit of the game off of Verlander and the Angels scored 2 runs to cut the deficit to 1-run.

Verlander got out of the inning but he screamed at Aybar from the dugout, pointing to his head and promising he would “get him” next year. The Tigers hung on to win the game, 3-2, but in the clubhouse Verlander was still looking at the event as if everything centered around him and his chance for personal glory. He said he was very surprised that Aybar bunted (isn’t that kind of the point?) and called it—wait for it—“bush league.”

So apparently it’s not cool to be willing to do what it takes to try and help your team win. You must always keep the feelings of the opposing pitcher in mind and make sure not to offend his macho sensibilities. What a joke. Can you tell he’s from Virginia?

Joe Mauer (C-Minnesota) Nominated for sucking and not playing very much; for being resistant to the idea of playing some games at first base in order to keep his bat in the lineup and keep his body from breaking down; and for doing a ton of annoying commercials and apparently not spending enough time getting ready to justify all the money he’s being paid.

All of the noise that managed to seep out from the clubhouse regarding the way that teammates and the organization perceived these things was telling. On the one hand, it may not all have been accurate, and certainly jealousy and resentment are involved in the situation, but you don’t often hear rumblings that loud about the face of a franchise.

Michael Young (DH-Texas) Nominated for requesting a trade when the Rangers signed Adrian Beltre—the best defensive third baseman in the game--and asked Young to move to first base/DH. I don’t care that Young had moved from second base to shortstop for Alfonso Soriano and from shortstop to third base for Elvis Andrus. He had gotten a lot of credit for being unselfish before, but the truth is that those actions are merely what is to be expected from a guy making $16.1 million a year to play a game.

Logan Morrison (LF-Florida) Nominated for being a blabber mouth on Twitter and for his general cocky and insubordinate attitude. He’s not that good but he doesn’t seem to realize it. After missing a meet and greet event with Marlins season ticket holders in August, the Marlins sent him down to AAA. Morrison couldn’t believe it and felt it was beneath him. He was sure it wasn’t for his play on the field, even though Morrison had hit .212 with a .285 OBP over his previous 62 games and would end the season hitting just .247.

Carlos Zambrano (SP-Chicago Cubs) Nominated for being himself (again).

As you know, he’s an insane, spoiled, immature, out of control jerk. I witnessed his final implosion in person on August 12th. The fans were going bonkers in the 5th inning after back to back homers put the Braves up 8-1 against Zambrano. I could see that he was about to blow. It was so obvious that I began screaming at Chipper Jones to, “watch out!” as if he could hear me in the batter’s box amidst all of that noise. But sure enough, after starting CJ off with a called strike, Zambrano threw way inside to Chipper and missed, and then threw inside and high at Chipper’s head, causing the Braves to leave the dugout briefly.

Zambrano was tossed, and judging by how exaggerated his last 2 pitches were, that’s probably exactly what he wanted. Zambrano usually goes after teammates and managers physically and verbally, or throws a temper tantrum in the dugout or the clubhouse. On this night he cleaned out his locker and told personnel he was retiring. The Cubs decided to suspend him 30 days and he didn’t play again in 2011. By the way, Zambrano made $18.75 million last season.

Andre Ethier (RF-Los Angeles) Nominated for complaining that he was being asked to play through a supposed knee injury and blaming the supposed injury for his poor performance. Ethier went to the media with his cries of injury, which according to manager Don Mattingly, had never been mentioned before. It appears that Ethier was not asked but was expected to play through pain. He was not injured--at least in professional sports terms—and his streak/slump performance was on par with the rest of his career.


Manager Nominees

Bruce Bochy (Manager-San Francisco) Nominated for saying that Clint Hurdle and Jack McKeon should have called him and given him their pitch if they wanted him to add Andrew McCutcheon or Anibal Sanchez to the All-Star roster. Also for having creepy “backup eyelids” that cover his eyes when his eyes are open.

Clint Hurdle (Manager-Pittsburgh) Nominated for whining to the media that Bochy took Carlos Beltran over Andrew McCutcheon.

Jack McKeon (Manager-Florida) Nominated for whining to the media that Bochy took Tim Lincecum over Anibal Sanchez.

Mike Scioscia (Manager-Anaheim) Nominated for keeping Mike Napoli a part-time player during his years in Anaheim, preferring instead to give as much or more playing time to Jeff Mathis. Mathis—like Scioscia in his day—is in the majors because he plays catcher, not because he can hit. In fact, Jeff Mathis has consistently been one of the worst offensive players in the game during his career, but Scioscia has stubbornly stuck with Mathis because of his supposed knack for handling pitchers (something no one has ever been able to show with stats).

Finally Scioscia went out and had Napoli traded (or at least that’s what I believe happened considering that he runs the show in Anaheim), allowing him to wind up back in the AL West with the team that had unseated the Angels atop the division in 2010.

Napoli had a huge season and an even bigger post season, during which he not only proved again to be a game changer at the plate, but also played superb defense, blocking everything, gunning down every runner, making all the plays at the plate, and picking guys off like he was Yadier Molina.

Despite it all, Scioscia refused to admit that he hadn’t liked Napoli and hadn’t wanted him. Scioscia’s insistence upon playing one of the worst offensive players in the league instead of one of the best offensive players in the league hurt the Angels in the past and now Napoli is hurting them again with their division rivals. Amazingly, Joe Buck and Tim McCarver actually credited Scioscia with helping to turn Napoli into a good player during coverage of the WS.

Ozzie Guillen (Manager-Chicago White Sox) Nominated for the usual act which has gotten old at this point. Also nominated for sticking Adam Dunn and Alex Rios in the lineup night after night and day after day.

Buck Showalter (Manager-Baltimore) Nominated for running off at the mouth prior to the season; for getting too much credit when the O’s got off to one of the luckier starts in years; and then being the manager of another gawdawful Baltimore team the rest of the way.

Jim Riggleman (Manager-Washington) Nominated for the ill-conceived ultimatum he handed to GM Mike Rizzo which ended his tenure with the Nationals and likely ended his career as a big league manager.


Front Office Nominees

Brian Sabean (GM-San Francisco) Nominated for saying that he would be happy if Scott Cousins never played another game and calling his actions malicious, despite the fact that his collision with Buster Posey (which resulted in a season ending leg injury for the Giants’ catcher) was a clean play and would never have happened if Posey hadn’t completely blocked off the plate while on his knees.

Jeffrey Loria (Owner-Florida) Nominated for running his team in the typical cheap, control freak, clueless, egomaniacal way that he always does. And because he is seemingly going to get out of his mess with a new stadium. And because after years of sucking off of other franchises he is now throwing outrageous long term deals at every free agent.

Fred Wilpon (Owner-New York Mets) Nominated for being involved with his pal Bernie Madoff in the biggest ponzi scam in history and for ripping his own players for not living up to the stupid contracts that he gave them.

Frank McCourt (Owner-Los Angeles) Nominated for dragging one of the best franchises in sports through the mud of his pathetic personal life and for cheating the fans and screwing over everyone involved with the franchise. And then, after he was caught and obviously fucked, for holding the team hostage by refusing to admit and give in.

John Henry (Owner-Boston) Nominated for the despicable way that Terry Francona was made a scapegoat and subjected to a smear campaign following the collapse of the Red Sox.


Media Nominees

Col Allan (Editor of New York Post) Nominated for including an entirely superfluous jab at Alex Rodriguez on the front page headline about the death of Khadafi.

Chris Rose, Eric Karros, AJ Pierzynski (Fox Postseason Pre/Postgame Panel) Nominated for being perhaps the worst panel in the history of sports television. Rose is a complete zero in all aspects. AJ Pierzynski is frosted haired prick and has been a mediocre (at best) baseball player whose only value has been as a pest. And beyond being boring and adding nothing to the coverage, Karros’ ridiculously high quaffed and blow dried hair is distracting as hell.

Chris Berman (ESPN Broadcaster) Nominated for making the homerun derby absolutely 100 percent unwatchable without the sound muted. It’s bad enough having to deal with Berman when you expect it (at the derby, the 2-minute drill, the draft, on Sports Center during football season, etc). Lately he’s been popping up all over the place and out of the blue.

Recently, when Applebee’s paired Berman and ESPN college football boy toy Jessie Palmer together for a series of typically lifeless commercials, I thought it was one of the more puzzling choices we’d seen in a while. However, those cheese ball scenes pale in comparison to the strange and bizarre Toyota ad involving Berman. This commercial—which has been running non-stop on all of the sports channels—brings Berman together with 3 other E-list celebs for one of the weirder spots I can remember.

I’ll be honest, I only recognize one of the other three, and I’m not even sure of his name (he’s the film critic who is famous for showering his thespian guests with over-the-top praise). The “star” of this scene is some female pop singer I’m not familiar with. The rationale behind bringing together this quartet is certainly a poser, but it’s the commercial itself that is truly mind boggling.

Our four stars walk into a garage, climb into the car (with the pop diva behind the wheel and “Boom” riding shotgun), slam the doors shut, look knowingly at each other, and then spontaneously being singing (or mouthing) the words to the chorus of what is presumably one of honey’s songs. I can’t make out the words to the song.

There’s no doubt that old girl is more pumped about the script than the rest of the crew. Berman’s performance is just plain weird. He doesn’t seem to know how he’s supposed to be acting. The look on his face as he sings along with his three pals is pretty similar to the one he has in that stupid, self referential, “some spread” clip that he hauls out 50 or 60 times a year during his Sports Center segment. It truly is queer in the highest degree.

Update: I did some research and apparently Berman’s co-stars are Kelly Clarkson, James Lipton, and Andrew Zimmern. The four characters are supposed to represent the sports, movies, food, and music info you can get in the new car they are advertising.


The Finalists and the Award Winner

Third Place: John Lackey (SP-Boston)

Runner-up: Josh Beckett (SP-Boston)

Winner: Nyjer Morgan (CF-Washington)

Comments: Morgan retains his crown. More on him in a moment. I wrote about Lackey earlier. In case you don’t remember, just trust me, he’s a douche.

I was so glad that Beckett got outted for being the selfish, spoiled little brat that he is during the aftermath of the Boston collapse. It doesn’t surprise me at all that he was eating fried chicken and drinking beer in the clubhouse on nights when he didn’t pitch. What does he care about how the team performs when he isn’t in the game? He’s playing an individual sport and he always has been. That’s one of the main reasons he has always thrived in pressure spots: he has no concern for letting his teammates down. He is a cocky, arrogant, smug little bitch.

Speaking of bitches, Morgan wins it again easily. His antics weren’t quite as anti-social this year and in a way that almost made it worse. Instead of being looked at as Milton Bradley with a smirk, he was being lauded as the court jester of the Brewers, the guy who kept everybody loose and took heat off the rest of the guys by being a clown.

I mentioned in last year’s awards blog that Morgan had invented an alter ego (true attention whores like Morgan are never happy with just one really big ego) named “Tony Plush.” Well it was in 2011 that, “T. Plush,” became widely known. Much of this was because certain adoring media members thought the whole thing was cute and would egg Morgan on.

Morgan was often jawing with fans and opposing players again this season. He issued an unprovoked shot at Albert Pujols (smart) through Twitter (of course) and would then come up small in the NLCS against the Cards.

And really the entire Brewers squad was just impossible to root for with their elaborate handshakes and jives and dances, and their juvenile attitude and demeanor. You remember in the 2010 postseason when the Rangers players invented some childish gesture they would flash at each other whenever somebody got a hit? They called it the claw and antlers or some such foolishness. It wasn’t funny or cool or cute. It wasn’t tough or classy. It was just the sort of immature thing you might expect to see at the College World Series from a bunch of spoiled frat boys. Well, the Brewers one upped the Rangers in clownishness this year.

Creating some lame, contrived, secret gesture is bad enough. It’s even worse to basically copy those people and come up with an even lamer, more contrived, secret gesture. As you would expect, Morgan was probably the most enthusiastic “Beast Mode” clown of all.

The “Beast” garbage was basically the exact thing that the Rangers had done the year before except it was even more middle schoolish. It was, sadly, just the sort of thing you might expect a bunch of spoiled young athletes who have never done anything but play sports and video games might come up with. There’s nothing tough or hardnosed or business like or classy or old school about it. It’s just lame.

And Nyjer Morgan is the lamest of all. He’s the biggest clown. He is once again the Biggest Douche in baseball.


53 Memories, Moments, Stories, and Scenes from the 2011 MLB Season (No Particular Order)

1. Philly Aces.

2. Riggleman craps out.

3. Strasburg makes it back.

4. Jayson ain’t Werth it.

5. Jack McKeon?

6. Davey Johnson?

7. Reyes returns to form.

8. Braun and Fielder: modern day bash brothers take Brewers back to postseason.

9. Berkman and Pujols lead top offense in NL.

10. Pujols contract issue.

11. St. Louis’ late season run.

12. Pittsburgh hangs around for a while.

13. Pirates’ inevitable demise begins with 19th inning loss to my Braves on (intentionally?) blown call at the plate by Jerry Meals.

14. Arizona!

15. Giants fade, concede failure.

16. Posey run over; season over.

17. Dodgers’ conflicting season: The Bad (McCourt debacle; SFG fan beating; Poor start)/The Good (Kemp’s season; Kershaw’s season; strong finish).

18. Jeter homers for 3,000 hit, going 5 for 5.

19. Posada and Yanks at odds.

20. Mo Rivera reaches 600 saves and breaks Hoffman’s record.

21. The Yankees rotation of old guys.

22. Manny being Manny out of baseball.

23. Tampa’s comeback against the Yankees on the final night.

24. Dueling collapses in Boston and Atlanta.

25. Bad Irene is Bad Omen for Bravos.

26. Baltimore’s hot start quickly turns into typically awful Orioles season.

27. Justin Verlander dominates and leads Tigers into postseason.

28. Cleveland’s surprise start.

29. Boston is best in MLB from May-August; start and finish like worst team.

30. Boston’s clubhouse “scandal.”

31. White Sox’s 2 slumping stars.

32. Gordon, Frenchy, and Melky producing in KC.

33. Thome reaches 600.

34. Where have you gone Mauer and Morneau?

35. Twins suck.

36. Texas Tragedy.

37. Texas back to the playoffs without Cliff Lee.

38. The final day of the regular season.

39. Cards knock the Phils out in first round.

40. Carpenter vs. Halladay in Game 5 of NLDS.

41. Milwaukee gets walkoff win on Morgan RBI hit to eliminate Arizona and reach LCS for just 2nd time, first time since 1982.

42. Cardinals batter the Brew Crew to reach the WS.

43. Rays’ luck runs out against the Rangers in first round.

43. Tigers win strange rain soaked series over Yanks.

44. Texas outlasts Tigers to reach WS for 2nd straight season.

45. Rangers come back in 9th of game 2 to stun Cards and tie series 1-1.

46. Pujols crushes 3 dingers in game 3.

47. Holland shuts down Cards in game 4 to tie series at 2-2.

48. Cards suffer communication breakdown, blow lead, lose game 5.

49. Game 6.

50. Cards finish off Rangers in Game 7 to win the title.

51. Cruz, Napoli, and Freese become household names with remarkable postseasons.

52. Starting pitching renaissance puts MLB offense in season long coma.

53. October sees offensive explosion.

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