Tuesday, May 7, 2013

The NFL Blog: 2012 Horse Collar Awards Part VIII (Other Awards)

Other Awards (Performances, Games, Moments, Douches, and Memories)

Best Single Game Performance of the Year
20. Janoris Jenkins-CB-St. Louis (Week 12)
19. Trindon Holliday-WR-Denver (Divisional Round)
18. Matt Schaub-QB-Houston (Week 11)
17. Jacoby Jones-WR-Baltimore (Super Bowl)
16. David Wilson-RB-New York Giants (Week 14)
15. Zach Brown-OLB-Tennessee (Week 17)
14. Aldon Smith-OLB-San Francisco (Week 11)
13. Andre Johnson-WR-Houston (Week 11)
12. Jamaal Charles-RB-Kansas City (Week 3)
11. Russell Wilson-RB-Seattle (Week 15)
10. Cam Newton-QB-Carolina (Week 14)
9. Joe Flacco-QB-Baltimore (Super Bowl)
8. Cam Newton-QB-Carolina (Week 12)
7. Joe Flacco-QB-Baltimore (Divisional Round)
6. Adrian Peterson-RB-Minnesota (Week 17)
5. Alfred Morris-RB-Washington (Week 17)
4. Colin Kaepernick-QB-San Francisco (Divisional Round)
3. Doug Martin-RB-Tampa Bay (Week 9)
2. Aaron Rodgers-QB-Green Bay (Week 6)
1. Robert Griffin III-QB-Washington (Week 11)

Biggest “What the Fuck?” Performance of the Year
15. Bryce Brown-RB-Philadelphia (Week 13)
14. Titus Young-WR-Detroit (Week 8)
13. Jake Locker-QB-Tennessee (Week 3)
12. Andre Brown-RB-New York Giants (Week 3)
11. Nick Foles-QB-Philadelphia (Week 14)
10. Kirk Cousins-QB-Washington (Week 15)
9. Chad Henne-QB-Jacksonville (Week 11)
8. Terrell Pryor-QB-Oakland (Week 17)
7. David Wilson-RB-New York Giants (Week 14)
6. Kendall Reyes-DT-San Diego (Week 16)
5. Bryce Brown-RB-Philadelphia (Week 13)
4. Brandon Bolden-RB-New England (Week 4)
3. Justin Francis-DE-New England (Week 17)
2. Kevin Ogletree-WR-Dallas (Week 1)
1. Dante Rosario-TE-San Diego (Week 2)

Best Game of the Year
20. Week 12: Baltimore at San Diego (16-13, OT)
19. Week 15: Dallas vs. Pittsburgh (27-24, OT)
18. Week 2: Arizona at New England (20-18)
17. Week 6: Seattle vs. New England (24-23)
16. Week 3: Kansas City at New Orleans (27-24, OT)
15. Week 6: Baltimore vs. Dallas (31-29)
14. Week 2: New York Giants vs. Tampa Bay (41-34)
13. Week 7: New York Giants vs. Washington (27-23)  
12. Week 14: Washington vs. Baltimore (31-28, OT)
11. Week 5: Indianapolis vs. Green Bay (30-27)
10. Week 8: New York Giants at Dallas (29-24)
9. Week 3: Tennessee vs. Detroit (44-41, OT)
8. Week 16: New Orleans at Dallas (34-31)
7. Week 13: Indianapolis at Detroit (35-33)
6. Week 15: San Francisco at New England (41-34)
5. Week 17: Minnesota vs. Green Bay (37-34)
4. NFC Championship Game: San Francisco at Atlanta (28-24)
3. NFC Divisional Round: Atlanta vs. Seattle (30-28)
2. Super Bowl XLVII: Baltimore vs. San Francisco (34-31)
1. AFC Divisional Round: Baltimore at Denver (38-35, OT-II)

Best Moment of the Year
3. Adrian Peterson runs for 199 yards, crosses 2000 yards for the year, and leads final drive for win over Green Bay to clinch a playoff berth (Week 17)

2. The Falcons shock Seattle with a last second field goal to rescue victory from the jaws of defeat (Divisional Round)

1. The Colts pullout the win over the Dolphins and Chuck Pagano delivers his famous “It’s Already Beat” speech in the locker room after the game (Week 9)

Worst Moment of the Year
3. Blown call on Hail Mary attempt on the final play of the game gives the Seahawks a cheap win over the Packers (Week 3)

2. RGIII goes down in the 4th quarter of the Skins’ playoff game, having blown out his knee (Wild Card Round)

1. Kansas City Chiefs linebacker Jovan Belcher kills his girlfriend and then himself on December 1st (Week 13)

The Thom Brennaman Award

NFL Biggest Douche of the Year

The Nominees

Annual Automatic Nominees

Thom Brennaman (Play-by-Play Announcer of Untimed All-Douche Soccer Game in Hell/Captain of the All-Douche Team/President of the Nepotistic Society of Douches/Lord of North Douchia/King of West and South Douchia/Emperor of the Greater Douchery Area/And Endless Other Titles Relating to Him Being the Supreme Master of All Things Douchy)

Tony Dungy (Overrated Former Coach of Bucs and Colts/Evangelical Ultra Conservative Right Wing Wacko/Says that His Teams Won God’s Way/Says that He is on God’s Side in Supporting Laws Banning Gay Marriage/Worshipped as God by Media/Not Allowed to be Criticized/Claims to Know God Personally/Criticizes Curse Words, Sex, and All Things not Psycho Conservative Family Oriented/Preaches to Others About Parenting Despite the Fact that His Son Hung Himself Two Months After Attempting to Overdose on Pills)

Roger Goodell (Soft Spoken Ginger Commissioner of the NFL/Pushed Hard for 18-Game Schedule and then Switched to Fining and Suspending Players for Any Kind of Hit or Tackle that Could be Considered “Illegal”/Helped Drag League Through Completely Unnecessary Holdout)

Chad Johnson (WR-New England/Blabber Mouthed Attention Seeking Nerd Who Thinks He’s Cool and Tough/Dramatically Overrated Receiver/Complaining Whiney Baby/Changed Name to Ocho Cinco Which Means Eight Five not Eighty Five/Total Douche)

Donovan McNabb (Former QB/Hugely Overrated/Constant Victim/Fat)

Rex Ryan (Head Coach-New York Jets/Fat Loudmouthed Attention Hogging Coach of the Annually Overrated Jets)

Drew Rosenhaus (Lying Sleazy Scummy Agent)

Mercury Morris (Loudmouthed Former Running Back of the Overrated ’72 Dolphins)

Art Modell (Evil Pig Former Owner and Meddler/Ruthlessly Forced Out Paul Brown After Buying the Cleveland Browns and Then Callously Ripped Team From Most Faithful Fans in the Country for Reasons of Greed/Gutless Pig)

Mike Brown (Owner of Cincinnati Bengals/Terrible Owner/Cheap/Has Been Given Everything and Has Given Back Nothing/Threatened to Move Team in Order to Force Tax Payers to Fund Unnecessary New Stadium Resulting in Lopsided Stadium Deal Which He Pulled Off With the Help of County Commissioner Who Was Later Given Job With the Organization)

Adam “Pacman” Jones (DB-Cincinnati/One of the Worst Human Beings Alive/Total Waste of Life)

Terrell Owens (Former WR/Perhaps the Single Worst Teammate in the History of Sports/Douche/Clown Who Thinks He is Cool/Selfish Attention Hogging Douche/Fired Personal PR Woman Who Tried to Help Him After He Attempted to Commit Suicide)

Keyshawn Johnson (Former WR/Total Bust as #1 Pick But Thinks He Was Great/Loud Mouthed Douche Who Cried For the Ball and Called Teammate the Team Mascot/Alienated All of His Teammates/Was Such a Bitch During 2003 Season the Bucs Paid Him to Go Home a Year After Winning the Super Bowl/While Covering NFL Draft he Applauded the Panthers for Taking a Receiver Saying He Could Mentor the New Player, Totally Oblivious to What Everyone Else Knew Which Was That He Was Being Replaced/For Some Unknown Reason is One of the Main ESPN NFL Analysts Making All Coverage of that Sport on ESPN Unwatchable)

Deion Sanders (Hall-of-Fame CB/Loud Mouthed Attention Hog/Runs His Mouth Constantly/Attempted to Mentor Dez Bryant and Ended Up Getting Him Ruled Ineligible By the NCAA/Thanked Bishop Long in Hall-of-Fame Speech/Makes All NFL Network Coverage Completely Unwatchable/Clown)

Jay Cutler (Pudgy Spoiled Brat/The Josh Beckett of Football/Blames Everyone Else/Overrated/Jeff George Minus the Stache and Mullet/Whined Himself Out of Denver/No Toughness or Heart)

Class of 2012 Newly Elected Automatic Annual Nominees

Tim Tebow (Mouth Breathing Evangelical Virgin/Right Wing Tool/Beloved by Ignorant Masses/Terrible Quarterback/Turned his Career into a Crusade/Spends Spring Break Mutilating the Penises of Innocent Children in Third World Countries and is Called a Hero for This)

Vince Young (Dream Team Back-up QB/Waste of Talent/Constant Victim/Blew All of His Money and Then Tried to Blame Advisors for Swindling Him)

Rashard Mendenhall (Said 9/11 Was a Conspiracy and Americans Had no Reason to Blame Bin Laden and then Reiterated and Defended Those Comments While Trying to Hide Behind Freedom of Speech/Thinks the NFL Parallels Slavery)

Mike Pereira (Annoying Piece of Shit Know-it-All Smart Ass Defender of All Officials/Total Fucking Doucher)

DeAngelo Hall (Clown/Runs His Mouth Constantly/One of the Most Overrated Defensive Backs in the History of the League/Terrible Human/Known For Running His Mouth Before Getting Burned For a Touchdown, Running His Mouth While Getting Burned For a Touchdown, and Running His Mouth After Getting Burned For a Touchdown/Selfish/Awful Teammate)

Current Player Nominees

Richard Sherman (CB-Seattle) Nominated for talking way too much shit and for blabbing about how many players he thinks may take Adderall when he should have just felt lucky that he didn’t get suspended due to a technicality.

Mark Sanchez (QB-New York Jets) Nominated for being perhaps the worst player in the League and for being a total douche.

Titus Young (WR-Detroit) Nominated for taking the narcissistic wide receiver role to a whole new level. Was suspended in May for sucker punching a teammate at practice. He was suspended again in November for deliberately lining up in the wrong position twice during a game and then getting into a confrontation with his position coach. After being suspended he tweeted that he didn’t want to play football anymore if he wasn’t going to get the ball. He was released soon after and only the Rams claimed him. St. Louis released him just 10 days later.  

Other Nominees

Jovan Belcher (Former Chiefs Linebacker; Nominated for shooting his girlfriend 9 times in front of his own mother and then killing himself, leaving an infant daughter orphaned)

The Finalists and the Award Winner
Third Place: Titus Young
Runner-up: Roger Goodell
Winner: Jovan Belcher
Comments: Really no contest this year. If anyone has ever been worthy of being named Biggest Douche of the Year it is certainly Belcher. He could have just taken his own life. Instead he took the life of 19-year old and ruined the lives of many others.

The Story of the 2012 Season in 112 Moments  

Week 1
1. Replacement Refs
2. Boys backup Jurrah’s words against Giants
3. Adrian Peterson returns
4. RG III debuts, leading Skins to upset of Saints in New Orleans
5. Niners beat the Packers
6. Peyton throws for 400 in debut with Broncos as Denver beats Pittsburgh

Week 2
7. Andrew Luck gets first win
8. Arizona beats New England on the road as Pats choke
9. Eli leads the Giants back against Tampa Bay with 510 yards passing
10. Schiano’s boys don’t take kneel down for granted
11. Eagles beat the Ravens in ugly contest
12. Saints drop to 0-2
13. Awful penalty on Washington helps the Rams beat the Skins

Week 3
14. Lions complete Hail Mary to force overtime but lose in Tennessee
15. Jags stun Indy
16. Jets survive Dolphins in overtime
17. Vikings upset Niners
18. Chiefs win at New Orleans in overtime to drop Saints to 0-3
19. Raiders shock Steelers
20. Ravens bet by Pats by a point
21. Seahawks get gift victory on intercepted Hail Mary pass that is ruled a TD at Lambeau

Week 4
22. Regular refs are back
23. Atlanta escapes Carolina on late FG
24. Arizona beats Miami in OT, gets to 4-0
25. Green Bay 28-27 over the Saints, New Orleans falls to 0-4

Week 5
26. Rams hand Cards their first loss of the year
27. Colts knock off Green Bay
28. Pats beat Denver as Brady and Manning renew rivalry
29. New Orleans beats San Diego, 31-24, for first win of season; Brees sets record for most
consecutive games with a TD pass

Week 6
30. Pittsburgh falls to Tennessee
31. Atlanta survives Oakland to get to 6-0
32. Baltimore beats Dallas in wild finish
33. Seahawks come from behind late to beat the Patriots
34. Giants dominate the Niners in San Fran
35. Green Bay blows out Houston on the road, handing the Texans their first loss of the year
36. Denver comes from down 24-0 to beat San Diego on MNF

Week 7
37. Giants beat Skins on late TD bomb
38. Houston crushes Baltimore
39. Patriots survive the Jets in overtime

Week 8
40. Doug Martin says hello, as Bucs blowout Vikes
41. Chicago comes from down 12 late to avoid loss to Panthers
42. Giants blow 23-point lead but hang on to beat Dallas
43. San Francisco crushes Arizona on MNF, Cards fall to 4-4 after 4-0 start

Week 9
44. Indy gets big win over Dolphins, Pagano delivers emotional speech afterwards
45. Carolina bests Washington, as Skins fall to 3-6

Week 10
46. Falcons lose close one in New Orleans, suffer first loss of the year
47. Niners and Rams tie
48. Texans knock out Cutler, Bears
49. Steelers survive Chiefs but lose Big Ben

Week 11
50. Dallas survives Cleveland in overtime
51. Steelers lose to Ravens at home without Big Ben
52. Niners crush Bears, QB job given to Kaepernick

Week 12
53. Houston gets OT win over Lions on Thanksgiving
54. Washington beats the Boys
55. Pats hammer Jets
56. Browns get a win over rival Pittsburgh
57. Ray Rice’s miracle on 4th and long leads Ravens to OT victory in San Diego
58. Giants blowout Packers

Week 13
59. Falcons intercept Brees 5 times, snap TD streak in win
60. Seahawks stun Chicago on the road in overtime
61. Luck leads Colts to comeback win over the Lions
62. Jovan Belcher commits murder/suicide
63. Chiefs win in wake of tragedy
64. Rams knock off Niners in OT
65. Charlie Batch leads Steelers to huge victory over Baltimore
66. Patriots and Broncos clinch division titles, Texans clinch playoff berth
67. Skins over Giants on MNF

Week 14
68. Dallas comes from behind to beat the Bengals
69. Luck leads comeback win over Tennessee as Colts clinch a winning record
70. Peterson and the Vikings run over Chicago
71. San Diego spoils Big Ben’s big return
72. RG III goes down but the Skins beat the Ravens in overtime with Kirk Cousins playing hero
73. Seahawks rout Arizona, 58-0, sending the Cards to their 9th straight loss after winning their
 first 4 games
74. Patriots demolish Houston on MNF

Week 15
75. Falcons stomp a mud hole in the G-Men, winning 34-0
76. Packers beat Chicago to clinch NFC North title
77. Cousins leads Washington to win over Cleveland
78. Broncos win in Baltimore
79. Houston bests Indianapolis to win the AFC South title
80. Dallas outlasts Pittsburgh in overtime
81. Niners blow 28-point lead but fight back to beat the Patriots in New England
82. The Titans eliminate the awful New York Jets on Monday Night Football

Week 16
83. The Falcons win in Detroit, clinching the #1 seed in the NFC, while Calvin Johnson sets the
all-time single-season mark for receiving yards
84. Saints win battle with the Cowboys in overtime
85. Indy beats Kansas City to clinch a playoff birth
86. The Bengals win at Pittsburgh, clinching a playoff bid
87. The Vikings run over the Texans in Houston
88. Ravens blowout the G-Men to win the AFC North title
89. The Seahawks destroy the Niners on MNF to clinch a spot in the playoffs

Week 17
90. The Colts beat the Texans in Pagano’s return to the sidelines
91. Broncos kill the Chiefs to clinch the top seed in the AFC
92. The Pats shutout the Phins, 28-0, to secure the #2 spot in the AFC
93. The Bears and Giants win but Adrian Peterson and the Vikings win a thriller over the Packers
 to clinch the last wild card spot and eliminate Chicago and New York. AD goes over 2000 yards
 in the game and comes tantalizingly close to setting the all-time single season rushing record
94. San Fran tops Arizona to clinch the NFC West
95. The regular season finale is a battle for the NFC East title and the final spot in the playoffs.
Griffin and the Skins come out on top over Tony Romo and the Cowboys.

Wild Card Playoffs
96. The Texans outlast Cincinnati again
97. Christian Ponder can’t go for the Vikings
98. The Packers grind up Joe Webb, Adrian Peterson, and the Vikings
99. Ray Lewis and the Ravens top the feel-good Colts
100. Seattle comes back to beat Washington
101. RG III blows out his knee

Divisional Playoffs
102. Joe Flacco and Jacoby Jones combine on last minute bomb for a miracle touchdown that
 sends the Ravens and Broncos into overtime
103. Ravens stun Broncos in double overtime at Mile High, ending Peyton’s comeback season
104. Niners run over Pack
105. Falcons blow 27-7 lead but come back to stun Seattle on last second field goal
106. New England takes care of Houston

Conference Championships
107. Falcons blow 17-0 lead, lose 28-24 to Niners at home
108. Ravens shutdown Brady and the New England offense, stun the Patriots at Foxboro.

Super Bowl XLVII
109. The Harbaugh Bowl
110. The Power Outage
111. The Ravens build a 28-6 lead on the Niners
112. San Francisco makes a furious comeback but the Ravens hold on to win it 34-31

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