Other
Awards (Performances, Games, Moments, Douches, and Memories)
Best
Single Game Performance of the Year
20. Janoris
Jenkins-CB-St. Louis (Week 12)
19. Trindon
Holliday-WR-Denver (Divisional Round)
18. Matt
Schaub-QB-Houston (Week 11)
17. Jacoby
Jones-WR-Baltimore (Super Bowl)
16. David Wilson-RB-New
York Giants (Week 14)
15. Zach
Brown-OLB-Tennessee (Week 17)
14. Aldon Smith-OLB-San
Francisco (Week 11)
13. Andre
Johnson-WR-Houston (Week 11)
12. Jamaal
Charles-RB-Kansas City (Week 3)
11. Russell
Wilson-RB-Seattle (Week 15)
10. Cam
Newton-QB-Carolina (Week 14)
9. Joe
Flacco-QB-Baltimore (Super Bowl)
8. Cam
Newton-QB-Carolina (Week 12)
7. Joe Flacco-QB-Baltimore
(Divisional Round)
6. Adrian
Peterson-RB-Minnesota (Week 17)
5. Alfred
Morris-RB-Washington (Week 17)
4. Colin
Kaepernick-QB-San Francisco (Divisional Round)
3. Doug Martin-RB-Tampa
Bay (Week 9)
2. Aaron
Rodgers-QB-Green Bay (Week 6)
1. Robert Griffin
III-QB-Washington (Week 11)
Biggest
“What the Fuck?” Performance of the Year
15. Bryce
Brown-RB-Philadelphia (Week 13)
14. Titus
Young-WR-Detroit (Week 8)
13. Jake
Locker-QB-Tennessee (Week 3)
12. Andre Brown-RB-New
York Giants (Week 3)
11. Nick
Foles-QB-Philadelphia (Week 14)
10. Kirk
Cousins-QB-Washington (Week 15)
9. Chad
Henne-QB-Jacksonville (Week 11)
8. Terrell
Pryor-QB-Oakland (Week 17)
7. David Wilson-RB-New
York Giants (Week 14)
6. Kendall Reyes-DT-San
Diego (Week 16)
5. Bryce
Brown-RB-Philadelphia (Week 13)
4. Brandon
Bolden-RB-New England (Week 4)
3. Justin
Francis-DE-New England (Week 17)
2. Kevin
Ogletree-WR-Dallas (Week 1)
1. Dante Rosario-TE-San
Diego (Week 2)
Best
Game of the Year
20. Week 12: Baltimore
at San Diego (16-13, OT)
19. Week 15: Dallas vs.
Pittsburgh (27-24, OT)
18. Week 2: Arizona at
New England (20-18)
17. Week 6: Seattle vs.
New England (24-23)
16. Week 3: Kansas City
at New Orleans (27-24, OT)
15. Week 6: Baltimore
vs. Dallas (31-29)
14. Week 2: New York
Giants vs. Tampa Bay (41-34)
13. Week 7: New York
Giants vs. Washington (27-23)
12. Week 14: Washington
vs. Baltimore (31-28, OT)
11. Week 5:
Indianapolis vs. Green Bay (30-27)
10. Week 8: New York
Giants at Dallas (29-24)
9. Week 3: Tennessee
vs. Detroit (44-41, OT)
8. Week 16: New Orleans
at Dallas (34-31)
7. Week 13: Indianapolis
at Detroit (35-33)
6. Week 15: San
Francisco at New England (41-34)
5. Week 17: Minnesota
vs. Green Bay (37-34)
4. NFC Championship
Game: San Francisco at Atlanta (28-24)
3. NFC Divisional
Round: Atlanta vs. Seattle (30-28)
2. Super Bowl XLVII:
Baltimore vs. San Francisco (34-31)
1. AFC Divisional
Round: Baltimore at Denver (38-35, OT-II)
Best
Moment of the Year
3. Adrian Peterson runs
for 199 yards, crosses 2000 yards for the year, and leads final drive for win
over Green Bay to clinch a playoff berth (Week 17)
2. The Falcons shock
Seattle with a last second field goal to rescue victory from the jaws of defeat
(Divisional Round)
1. The Colts pullout
the win over the Dolphins and Chuck Pagano delivers his famous “It’s Already
Beat” speech in the locker room after the game (Week 9)
Worst
Moment of the Year
3. Blown call on Hail
Mary attempt on the final play of the game gives the Seahawks a cheap win over
the Packers (Week 3)
2. RGIII goes down in
the 4th quarter of the Skins’ playoff game, having blown out his
knee (Wild Card Round)
1. Kansas City Chiefs
linebacker Jovan Belcher kills his girlfriend and then himself on December 1st
(Week 13)
The
Thom Brennaman Award
NFL
Biggest Douche of the Year
The
Nominees
Annual
Automatic Nominees
Thom
Brennaman (Play-by-Play Announcer of Untimed All-Douche
Soccer Game in Hell/Captain of the All-Douche Team/President of the Nepotistic
Society of Douches/Lord of North Douchia/King of West and South Douchia/Emperor
of the Greater Douchery Area/And Endless Other Titles Relating to Him Being the
Supreme Master of All Things Douchy)
Tony
Dungy (Overrated Former Coach of Bucs and
Colts/Evangelical Ultra Conservative Right Wing Wacko/Says that His Teams Won
God’s Way/Says that He is on God’s Side in Supporting Laws Banning Gay
Marriage/Worshipped as God by Media/Not Allowed to be Criticized/Claims to Know
God Personally/Criticizes Curse Words, Sex, and All Things not Psycho
Conservative Family Oriented/Preaches to Others About Parenting Despite the
Fact that His Son Hung Himself Two Months After Attempting to Overdose on
Pills)
Roger
Goodell (Soft Spoken Ginger Commissioner of the NFL/Pushed
Hard for 18-Game Schedule and then Switched to Fining and Suspending Players
for Any Kind of Hit or Tackle that Could be Considered “Illegal”/Helped Drag
League Through Completely Unnecessary Holdout)
Chad
Johnson (WR-New England/Blabber Mouthed Attention Seeking
Nerd Who Thinks He’s Cool and Tough/Dramatically Overrated Receiver/Complaining
Whiney Baby/Changed Name to Ocho Cinco Which Means Eight Five not Eighty
Five/Total Douche)
Donovan
McNabb (Former QB/Hugely Overrated/Constant Victim/Fat)
Rex
Ryan
(Head Coach-New York Jets/Fat Loudmouthed Attention Hogging Coach of the
Annually Overrated Jets)
Drew
Rosenhaus (Lying Sleazy Scummy Agent)
Mercury
Morris (Loudmouthed Former Running Back of the Overrated
’72 Dolphins)
Art
Modell (Evil Pig Former Owner and Meddler/Ruthlessly
Forced Out Paul Brown After Buying the Cleveland Browns and Then Callously
Ripped Team From Most Faithful Fans in the Country for Reasons of Greed/Gutless
Pig)
Mike
Brown (Owner of Cincinnati Bengals/Terrible Owner/Cheap/Has
Been Given Everything and Has Given Back Nothing/Threatened to Move Team in
Order to Force Tax Payers to Fund Unnecessary New Stadium Resulting in Lopsided
Stadium Deal Which He Pulled Off With the Help of County Commissioner Who Was
Later Given Job With the Organization)
Adam
“Pacman” Jones (DB-Cincinnati/One of the Worst Human
Beings Alive/Total Waste of Life)
Terrell
Owens (Former WR/Perhaps the Single Worst Teammate in the
History of Sports/Douche/Clown Who Thinks He is Cool/Selfish Attention Hogging
Douche/Fired Personal PR Woman Who Tried to Help Him After He Attempted to
Commit Suicide)
Keyshawn
Johnson (Former WR/Total Bust as #1 Pick But Thinks He Was
Great/Loud Mouthed Douche Who Cried For the Ball and Called Teammate the Team
Mascot/Alienated All of His Teammates/Was Such a Bitch During 2003 Season the
Bucs Paid Him to Go Home a Year After Winning the Super Bowl/While Covering NFL
Draft he Applauded the Panthers for Taking a Receiver Saying He Could Mentor
the New Player, Totally Oblivious to What Everyone Else Knew Which Was That He
Was Being Replaced/For Some Unknown Reason is One of the Main ESPN NFL Analysts
Making All Coverage of that Sport on ESPN Unwatchable)
Deion
Sanders (Hall-of-Fame CB/Loud Mouthed Attention Hog/Runs
His Mouth Constantly/Attempted to Mentor Dez Bryant and Ended Up Getting Him
Ruled Ineligible By the NCAA/Thanked Bishop Long in Hall-of-Fame Speech/Makes
All NFL Network Coverage Completely Unwatchable/Clown)
Jay
Cutler (Pudgy Spoiled Brat/The Josh Beckett of Football/Blames
Everyone Else/Overrated/Jeff George Minus the Stache and Mullet/Whined Himself
Out of Denver/No Toughness or Heart)
Class
of 2012 Newly Elected Automatic Annual Nominees
Tim
Tebow (Mouth Breathing Evangelical Virgin/Right Wing
Tool/Beloved by Ignorant Masses/Terrible Quarterback/Turned his Career into a
Crusade/Spends Spring Break Mutilating the Penises of Innocent Children in
Third World Countries and is Called a Hero for This)
Vince
Young (Dream Team Back-up QB/Waste of Talent/Constant
Victim/Blew All of His Money and Then Tried to Blame Advisors for Swindling
Him)
Rashard
Mendenhall (Said 9/11 Was a Conspiracy and
Americans Had no Reason to Blame Bin Laden and then Reiterated and Defended
Those Comments While Trying to Hide Behind Freedom of Speech/Thinks the NFL Parallels
Slavery)
Mike
Pereira (Annoying Piece of Shit Know-it-All Smart Ass
Defender of All Officials/Total Fucking Doucher)
DeAngelo
Hall (Clown/Runs His Mouth Constantly/One of the Most
Overrated Defensive Backs in the History of the League/Terrible Human/Known For
Running His Mouth Before Getting Burned For a Touchdown, Running His Mouth
While Getting Burned For a Touchdown, and Running His Mouth After Getting
Burned For a Touchdown/Selfish/Awful Teammate)
Current
Player Nominees
Richard
Sherman (CB-Seattle) Nominated for talking way too much
shit and for blabbing about how many players he thinks may take Adderall when
he should have just felt lucky that he didn’t get suspended due to a
technicality.
Mark
Sanchez (QB-New York Jets) Nominated for being perhaps the
worst player in the League and for being a total douche.
Titus
Young (WR-Detroit) Nominated for taking the narcissistic
wide receiver role to a whole new level. Was suspended in May for sucker
punching a teammate at practice. He was suspended again in November for deliberately
lining up in the wrong position twice during a game and then getting into a
confrontation with his position coach. After being suspended he tweeted that he
didn’t want to play football anymore if he wasn’t going to get the ball. He was
released soon after and only the Rams claimed him. St. Louis released him just
10 days later.
Other
Nominees
Jovan
Belcher (Former Chiefs Linebacker; Nominated for shooting
his girlfriend 9 times in front of his own mother and then killing himself,
leaving an infant daughter orphaned)
The
Finalists and the Award Winner
Third Place: Titus
Young
Runner-up: Roger
Goodell
Winner: Jovan Belcher
Comments: Really no
contest this year. If anyone has ever been worthy of being named Biggest Douche
of the Year it is certainly Belcher. He could have just taken his own life.
Instead he took the life of 19-year old and ruined the lives of many others.
The
Story of the 2012 Season in 112 Moments
Week
1
1. Replacement Refs
2. Boys backup Jurrah’s
words against Giants
3. Adrian Peterson
returns
4. RG III debuts,
leading Skins to upset of Saints in New Orleans
5. Niners beat the
Packers
6. Peyton throws for
400 in debut with Broncos as Denver beats Pittsburgh
Week
2
7. Andrew Luck gets
first win
8. Arizona beats New
England on the road as Pats choke
9. Eli leads the Giants
back against Tampa Bay with 510 yards passing
10. Schiano’s boys
don’t take kneel down for granted
11. Eagles beat the
Ravens in ugly contest
12. Saints drop to 0-2
13. Awful penalty on
Washington helps the Rams beat the Skins
Week
3
14. Lions complete Hail
Mary to force overtime but lose in Tennessee
15. Jags stun Indy
16. Jets survive
Dolphins in overtime
17. Vikings upset
Niners
18. Chiefs win at New
Orleans in overtime to drop Saints to 0-3
19. Raiders shock
Steelers
20. Ravens bet by Pats
by a point
21. Seahawks get gift
victory on intercepted Hail Mary pass that is ruled a TD at Lambeau
Week
4
22. Regular refs are
back
23. Atlanta escapes
Carolina on late FG
24. Arizona beats Miami
in OT, gets to 4-0
25. Green Bay 28-27
over the Saints, New Orleans falls to 0-4
Week
5
26. Rams hand Cards
their first loss of the year
27. Colts knock off
Green Bay
28. Pats beat Denver as
Brady and Manning renew rivalry
29. New Orleans beats
San Diego, 31-24, for first win of season; Brees sets record for most
consecutive games with
a TD pass
Week
6
30. Pittsburgh falls to
Tennessee
31. Atlanta survives
Oakland to get to 6-0
32. Baltimore beats
Dallas in wild finish
33. Seahawks come from
behind late to beat the Patriots
34. Giants dominate the
Niners in San Fran
35. Green Bay blows out
Houston on the road, handing the Texans their first loss of the year
36. Denver comes from
down 24-0 to beat San Diego on MNF
Week
7
37. Giants beat Skins
on late TD bomb
38. Houston crushes
Baltimore
39. Patriots survive
the Jets in overtime
Week
8
40. Doug Martin says
hello, as Bucs blowout Vikes
41. Chicago comes from
down 12 late to avoid loss to Panthers
42. Giants blow
23-point lead but hang on to beat Dallas
43. San Francisco
crushes Arizona on MNF, Cards fall to 4-4 after 4-0 start
Week
9
44. Indy gets big win
over Dolphins, Pagano delivers emotional speech afterwards
45. Carolina bests
Washington, as Skins fall to 3-6
Week
10
46. Falcons lose close
one in New Orleans, suffer first loss of the year
47. Niners and Rams tie
48. Texans knock out
Cutler, Bears
49. Steelers survive
Chiefs but lose Big Ben
Week
11
50. Dallas survives
Cleveland in overtime
51. Steelers lose to
Ravens at home without Big Ben
52. Niners crush Bears,
QB job given to Kaepernick
Week
12
53. Houston gets OT win
over Lions on Thanksgiving
54. Washington beats
the Boys
55. Pats hammer Jets
56. Browns get a win
over rival Pittsburgh
57. Ray Rice’s miracle
on 4th and long leads Ravens to OT victory in San Diego
58. Giants blowout
Packers
Week
13
59. Falcons intercept
Brees 5 times, snap TD streak in win
60. Seahawks stun
Chicago on the road in overtime
61. Luck leads Colts to
comeback win over the Lions
62. Jovan Belcher
commits murder/suicide
63. Chiefs win in wake
of tragedy
64. Rams knock off
Niners in OT
65. Charlie Batch leads
Steelers to huge victory over Baltimore
66. Patriots and
Broncos clinch division titles, Texans clinch playoff berth
67. Skins over Giants
on MNF
Week
14
68. Dallas comes from
behind to beat the Bengals
69. Luck leads comeback
win over Tennessee as Colts clinch a winning record
70. Peterson and the
Vikings run over Chicago
71. San Diego spoils
Big Ben’s big return
72. RG III goes down
but the Skins beat the Ravens in overtime with Kirk Cousins playing hero
73. Seahawks rout
Arizona, 58-0, sending the Cards to their 9th straight loss after
winning their
first 4 games
74. Patriots demolish
Houston on MNF
Week
15
75. Falcons stomp a mud
hole in the G-Men, winning 34-0
76. Packers beat
Chicago to clinch NFC North title
77. Cousins leads
Washington to win over Cleveland
78. Broncos win in
Baltimore
79. Houston bests
Indianapolis to win the AFC South title
80. Dallas outlasts
Pittsburgh in overtime
81. Niners blow
28-point lead but fight back to beat the Patriots in New England
82. The Titans
eliminate the awful New York Jets on Monday Night Football
Week
16
83. The Falcons win in
Detroit, clinching the #1 seed in the NFC, while Calvin Johnson sets the
all-time single-season
mark for receiving yards
84. Saints win battle
with the Cowboys in overtime
85. Indy beats Kansas
City to clinch a playoff birth
86. The Bengals win at
Pittsburgh, clinching a playoff bid
87. The Vikings run over
the Texans in Houston
88. Ravens blowout the
G-Men to win the AFC North title
89. The Seahawks
destroy the Niners on MNF to clinch a spot in the playoffs
Week
17
90. The Colts beat the
Texans in Pagano’s return to the sidelines
91. Broncos kill the Chiefs
to clinch the top seed in the AFC
92. The Pats shutout
the Phins, 28-0, to secure the #2 spot in the AFC
93. The Bears and
Giants win but Adrian Peterson and the Vikings win a thriller over the Packers
to clinch the last wild card spot and eliminate
Chicago and New York. AD goes over 2000 yards
in the game and comes tantalizingly close to
setting the all-time single season rushing record
94. San Fran tops
Arizona to clinch the NFC West
95. The regular season
finale is a battle for the NFC East title and the final spot in the playoffs.
Griffin and the Skins
come out on top over Tony Romo and the Cowboys.
Wild
Card Playoffs
96. The Texans outlast
Cincinnati again
97. Christian Ponder
can’t go for the Vikings
98. The Packers grind
up Joe Webb, Adrian Peterson, and the Vikings
99. Ray Lewis and the
Ravens top the feel-good Colts
100. Seattle comes back
to beat Washington
101. RG III blows out
his knee
Divisional
Playoffs
102. Joe Flacco and
Jacoby Jones combine on last minute bomb for a miracle touchdown that
sends the Ravens and Broncos into overtime
103. Ravens stun
Broncos in double overtime at Mile High, ending Peyton’s comeback season
104. Niners run over
Pack
105. Falcons blow 27-7
lead but come back to stun Seattle on last second field goal
106. New England takes
care of Houston
Conference
Championships
107. Falcons blow 17-0
lead, lose 28-24 to Niners at home
108. Ravens shutdown
Brady and the New England offense, stun the Patriots at Foxboro.
Super
Bowl XLVII
109. The Harbaugh Bowl
110. The Power Outage
111. The Ravens build a
28-6 lead on the Niners
112. San Francisco
makes a furious comeback but the Ravens hold on to win it 34-31
